Chris Morris is Funny and Wrong

Dad: Did you mention to Jill how much Ted liked his LEGO? He's made a great space ship.

Mom: She's a bit worried because it said "8 to 10 years old" on the box.

Dad: Yeah, but he's pretty bright for a 6 year old.

Mom: Yeah.

[pause]

Dad: Incidentally, did he come home from school today?

Mom: No. (thoughtful pause) No he didn't. He should have been home about six hours ago.

Dad: (distracted) Mmm... That's odd, isn't it?

Mom: (thoughtful) Maybe we should call someone.

Dad: Nah. (through a yawn) He probably just decided to stay overnight at the school.

[brief musical interlude]

Dad (on phone): Ted? No. Haven't seen him for about two weeks. (laughs) Yeah, well, if you see him, tell him to pop home! Okay. See you Friday. (hangs up) Dinner with Simon on Friday.

Mom: Shall I book a babysitter?

Dad: No. He's not going to turn up now. You don't suppose he thought we were picking him up from school?

Mom: (sigh of inconvenience) Maybe I'd better give Mrs. Hill a call, and check if he's been standing outside for a couple of weeks.

Dad: Hmm. Good idea.

Mom: (on phone) Hello. Hi. This is Sue Belgium here. Just calling about Ted in primary 3. Ahm, we just wondered if he'd been hanging around outside the school waiting to be picked up. (pause) Really? (pause, then to husband) She saw a bloke pick him up. (back to phone again) Yeah. (to husband) Handled him quite roughly, apparently.

Dad: And the man had a car?

Mom: Yeah. (to phone again) Right. Yes.

Dad: Good. It was horribly rainy.

Mom: (to phone) Yes.

Dad: Do you think the man knew about his eczema?

Mom: (to phone) Yeah -- sorry, Mrs. Hill, you don't know if this man knew that Ted was on goat's milk only do you? (pause) No. Just wondered. (pause) So he really bundled him into the back? Yes. (laugh) Yes. Okay, well, thanks a lot! Okay. Bye bye.

Dad: (matter of factly) Sounds like we'll find him in the woods then.

Mom: Hmmm.

Dad: Okay pass the phone. I'll get some of the lads... to have a look on Saturday morning. (to phone) Yeah, Mike? David. (pause) All right. How's Jill? (pause, laugh) Yeah? Yeah, we'll have to do that again. Listen Mike, are you watching the match in the pub on Saturday? (pause) You couldn't join me and some of the lads to crawl around the woods before kick off? Yeah, Ted's gone missing. (pause) About two weeks. He was picked up from school by some dodgy sounding bloke. (pause) Can you do that? Oh great! Bring a spade! Around two o'clock! Oh great! Cheers!

Mom: Do you think you'll need a spade?

Dad: Well I don't know if he'll have been buried or just been left out.

Mom: Be easier if he's been left out.

Dad: Yeah... A fuck of a lot easier.

[brief musical interlude]

Phone rings, dad answers.

Dad: Hello? (pause) Speaking. Oh! (excited) Have you? Right. (to wife) They found a body, love.

Mom: (curiously interested) Oh!

Dad: Yeah. (pause) Yeah, ehm, can't really come over this evening. Sometime next week? (Pause) Mmm. (to wife) They want us to go over and identify him.

Mom: Tsk. Can't they bring him round?

Dad, to phone: Yes, could you bring him over? (pause) Well, we're just... sort of doing something at the moment. What about banging him in a cab? (pause) Pfff.... All right.

Mom: What about his glasses?

Dad: Oh, right. (to phone) Has he got blue plastic framed glasses on? (pause) Oh well, I'm pretty sure that's him then. Blue frames. (laughs) Make him look rather studious, yeah. Sounds like him. Well, that's good enough for us, yeah. (pause) So, uh, what do you do now, um, chuck him away? (pause) Oh. Can't you just--? (pause) Yeah, I suppose. Oh all right, well... we'll see what we can do. Okay. Thanks a lot. Cheers.

Mom: What was that love?

Dad: We'll have to pick him up and bury him.

Mom, surprised and a little bothered: Oh. (pause) Did they say what he'd been doing?

Dad: Well, it sounds like he was buggered quite a lot and then strangled.

Mom: Tsk. That's a bit much.

Dad, slightly irritated: Yeah, apparently it was that bloody Mike Holland that did it. I'm going to have a word with him, next time I see him.

Mom: Yeah. Well you can tell him I'm pretty... pissed off as well.

Dad, with wonder: Mike Holland!

Mom: Well, he always was a bit of a twit.

Dad, matter of factly: Yeah.


***

This radio skit reminds me of my own parents.

The above was lifted entirely from a radio show called "Blue Jam", a series of radio programs featuring cool, crunchy, modern music interspliced with evil comedy sketches. The shows sound like something you'd accidentally stumble upon while tuning your radio back and forth at 3 AM. And there it is -- creepy dark of night music and evil comedy. I found the broadcasts preserved online as MP3s. The sketches are sick. Wrong. Disturbed. Hilarious. And British.

"Blue Jam" was broadcast on BBC radio. The brain behind the evil belongs to Chris Morris. I'm sure everyone in the UK knows him. He's done multiple radio shows and television programs in the UK, including the highly controversial TV news satire, "Brass Eye".

Here in Canada, I feel like I'm the only one who is aware of his genius. I yearn for all things Morris, and scour the Internet for scraps of his work. It's sad, really, being the only Morris fan in Canada. But it also makes me feel special. Like I'm the cool kid who knows the name of an obscure jazz musician from the 1930s who regularly fucked the dead.

Anyway, just wanted to introduce you to him.