Love, With Strings Attached

Whenever I read the words "unconditional love", I hear them said in a breathless whisper by a blonde woman in California. She wears white robes that flow down to her bare feet. There's a necklace of sea shells and coloured beads around her throat. Blue eyes shine from her pinkish face. Her expression is one of profound certainty and compassion that you only get from drug abuse. (Or from new age mysticism, the worst drug there is.) She stands on a stone patio by the edge of a cliff, her arms held up and spread wide, as if to hug the whole world. The ocean is pounding against the rocks below.

"Unconditional love!" she yells happily, closing her eyes in bliss. You can barely hear the words over the sound of ocean waves -- and the sound of her own smugness.

I hate this woman. Someone push her off the cliff already.

If you've ever loved in a truly unconditional way, you have been used and abused. Because that's what happens to people who love without any sense of self preservation, without boundaries. You get your ass handed to you. And before it's handed to you, it's battered and deep fried.

And your lover says, "Eat it. Eat your battered, deep fried ass. I need you to do it, as a sign of your love for me."

And if you truly love unconditionally, you will -- like an idiot -- eat your own ass.

Nearly everyone in our culture believes in this unconditional love nonsense. As with most things, you can blame The Beatles. "All you need is love," is the biggest lie there is. Hippie drivel. And if John Lennon were alive, he'd say it differently.

"All you need is love -- and a bullet-proof vest."

You know what else you need? A soul of your own. A piece of you that you can hold on to. A purpose beyond mere feelings. Drive. Determination. Mastery of yourself. Boundaries between you and the rest of the world. A personal philosophy that guides you through life -- specifically, a philosophy that cannot be changed because someone politely asks you to be different.

When you love someone unconditionally, you are giving your soul away. You fade into them. You dissolve. You disappear. You become their slave.

The ideal many believe in is that, as you dissolve into them, they dissolve into you. Unconditional love on both sides. What could be sweeter?

But when two people melt into each other, the result isn't one strong person -- it's a big puddle of slop.

"What do you want to do, darling?"

"I don't know. What do you want to do?"

"I can't really say. You decide."

"No, no -- you decide."

Everyone has met a couple like this. They think they're being cute as they turn to each other and laughingly can't make a decision. And if you're like me, you want to bash their heads together until they're unconscious.

A real, solid relationship is based on negotiation and earned trust. What do I want? What do you want? Can I meet your needs? Can you meet mine? Can we trust each other? Over time, a closeness develops. Each person supports the other. But ideally, they keep their own goals, their own dreams, their own beliefs. They support each other as individuals, reinforcing their own individuality as they do so.

Even as closeness develops, there are always conditions. They never go away. That's because your partner changes and so do you. With each change you have to renegotiate your relationship. How will we meet these new desires, new philosophies, new ideas?

One morning your lover might turn to you and say:

"You know what? I've decided the only way I can be fulfilled as a human being is if I cut off my legs with a chainsaw and get the word 'CUNT' tattooed on my forehead."

I don't care how deeply in love you are -- no sane person says, "I'll go warm up the chainsaw. You call the tattoo parlour and book an appointment."

That's unconditional love, and it's madness. More realistically, you negotiate.

"What if you only cut off your left leg? 'CUNT' is kind of offensive. Maybe you could have 'VAGINA' tattooed on your forehead instead?"

(Okay, bad example. But you get the idea.)

People shouldn't feel guilty when they love, with conditions. It's realistic. Ignore what The Beatles told you. They were stoned when they wrote that stupid song. "Goo goo g'joob"? Come on! You can't trust these guys.

We have to leave space for ourselves in the equation. Drowning in another human being is just a bad idea. Fight for what you believe in. Stand your ground. Give as much as you are able, but ask for something in return. What's the point in being in a relationship where you only give, and give, and give -- and never get anything back?

When someone kneels before me, submitting themselves entirely -- showing what they think of as unconditional love -- it's really tough not to abuse the hell out of them. They're crawling already. What else can I make them do? Will they eat their own turds? Will they let me rip off their nipples with pliers?

That's how the dodo became extinct, after all. The stupid bird had no defences. It loved everyone unconditionally, trusted everyone it met. The dodo knew no enemies. In that position of complete unconditional love, the dodos were rounded up and slaughtered. How could humanity be so cruel? Why didn't we return the dodo's love in an equally unconditional way?

Because the battered and deep fried ass of the dodo tasted so very good.

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Thanks to Mezamashii, who inspired this rant. I will not push you off a cliff, I promise.