Edmund Will Be My Friend

I'm going to become Edmund's new best friend. I will go live with him in Seminole, Florida. We will play backgammon together.

* * *

We will drink lime soda and watch old episodes of The Golden Girls.

"Bea Arthur is dead you know," Edmund will say.

"So is Estelle Getty," I will reply.

And then we'll laugh.

* * *

When Edmund needs to go to his chemotherapy appointments, I will go with him. We'll sit together, in the hospital, as the healing poison courses through his body. And we will have lengthy conversations about an imaginary dead women.

"She's driving a scooter down the street," Edmund will say, "and a plate glass window falls off a nearby hotel. The window was improperly installed. It falls straight down, like a guillotine blade, and it cuts her and her scooter in two. It is completely painless and sudden."

"She has black hair, and a mole above her lip, on the right," I will say. "Her name is Tabitha. She's a popular high school teacher, and the entire football team attends her funeral. The team sits in the back rows, and every player is wearing his uniform and helmet."

"Tabitha has a two year old daughter," Edmund will offer. "The girl is named Clarice. She is too young to understand what has happened. At the funeral, Clarice repeatedly asks, 'Where is my mommy?' This makes everyone cry. Even the football players."

* * *

One day, I will come back from the store, and find Edmund masturbating with the flapping wings of a goose. He will be holding the goose upside down, by its feet, waving the goose in the air, then carefully holding the animal's flapping wings near his member.

"What the hell are you doing?" I will ask.

"What does it look like?" Edmund will reply. "I am masturbating with the flapping wings of a goose."

"That's what I thought."

I will then go into the kitchen and prepare a microwave burrito.

* * *

"Do you suppose Clarice wil ever understand what happened to her mother?" Edmund will ask me.

"Not really," I will answer. "Clarice is a stupid child. Did you see her last report card from kindergarten? She's borderline retarded."

* * *

Edmund will fill the refrigerator with unopened cans of ravioli. Each can has the paper label removed. Each can is a shiny silver colour.

"Cans don't need to go in the fridge," I will tell him.

"But they look so perfect," he will say. "The stainless steel fridge, holding all those stainless steel cans. It pleases me."

I will consider this, studying the contents of the refrigerator. I will discover he is correct. The cans will look wonderful.

"We could fit more cans inside if we removed all the shelving and drawers," I will offer.

This will make Edmund smile.

* * *

"Why did the window fall off the hotel, and cut Tabitha in half?" I will ask Edmund. "Why was it improperly installed?"

"Drunken workers," Edmund will answer. "Lazy, drunken, good for nothing workers who will forever go unpunished for what they've done."

* * *

On a quiet Thursday evening, I will walk into Edmund's bedroom and strangle him to death with a blue silk scarf. Because he has cancer, he will be weak, and not put up a struggle. I will then call the police and confess to the murder.

The authorities will ask me why I did it, and I will have no answer.

"Edmund was my friend," I will say. "We were very close. There's no reason for me to have done what I did."

This being Florida, I will be sentenced to death, and I will die in the electric chair.

* * *

"Could a plate glass window really cut a scooter in half?" I will ask Edmund.

"Do you doubt my word, asshole?" Edmund will answer. "Do you want me to fucking punch you in the mouth?"

"Hey, now," I will answer. "Just checking."

* * *

One day, it will rain, and I will see Edmund in the backyard. He will be naked, staring up at the sky, his mouth open wide. Instinctively, I will know he is thinking of turkeys. There's a story that turkeys are so stupid, they will stand there, staring up at the falling rain, their mouths open, taking in water until they drown.

"You can't do it, you know," I will cry out from the upstairs window. "You are not as stupid as a turkey."

"Get out of my mind!" Edmund will yell back.

* * *

"I don't like backgammon," Edmund will announce. "It's stupid."

"I agree, the rules are stupid," I will tell him, "but you will keep fucking playing if you know what's good for you."

* * *

Edmund and I are going to be amazing friends and have a great deal of fun. I can't wait to meet him.