Zen Jar Notes

I have an iPhone. There is an application called Zen Jar that I enjoy. You write an anonymous note, send it out, and people can reply to it. You can also receive their notes.

If people like what you write, they can give you "good karma". If they hate it, they can give "bad karma". Your rank is displayed every time you open the application. I am disturbingly proud of being the top 100 out of a total of 9780 users. It's a sickness, on my part. I won't be satisfied until I am number one, but I really don't have the time to achieve this goal.

As with most things, a lot of people ruin Zen Jar by being stupid. Some young men are trying to use the application to meet women. Some think this is a great opportunity to convert you to Christianity. Others want to talk about American Idol.

What follows are a few messages I sent out into the world. I like that each one is short, strange, and anonymous.

* * *

Vampires drink blood. What mythical creature drinks tears? I suspect it’s the daytime talk show host.

“Tell me all about your traumatic experience,” Oprah says. “Hang on. I’m going to need a straw.”

* * *

My blender doesn’t like me. We fight all the time. I think it’s because we have different political views. I’m thinking of buying a new blender, but I like to think of myself as tolerant and open minded. So I guess I’m stuck with this blender, for now.

* * *

When I’m not looking, my cat turns into an octopus. He doesn’t do anything special when in this state. It’s not a trick. It’s not his true form, or anything like that. It’s just something he does when I’m not looking. I know he turns into an octopus because of a look in his eyes and the way he sometimes smells of the sea.

* * *

The tooth fairy is a vicious killer. He shoots teeth out of his fingertips like bullets. When little children don’t give him enough teeth, he smashes them out of drunks with a hammer. Watch out for this guy, I’m telling you. He’s dangerous.

* * *

The stove in my apartment plays music, depending on what I cook. There are different tunes for fish, pork chops, chilli, or vegetarian dishes. I called the manufacturer, to find out how it works. They told me I was crazy. One day, on a whim, I boiled a pair of sneakers. The stove doesn’t play music any more. I guess I broke it.