The dispassionate considering of a monster.

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Watercolour, Pen, Marker

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A Prayer for Ronald

You love McDonald's. You love their food. Ronald McDonald makes you happy. If you really met Grimace, you would hug him. You would blurt out, "I love you," and mean it. Tears would run down your face.

Only years ago, you started to rot inside. You started to doubt. You buried your love. You decided these people couldn't be trusted. Ronald is a fake. Grimace is a guy in a costume. They're just selling you burgers that are bad for you.

Yes, you'll admit you love the food, but that's not the point. They are liars, salesmen, a con.

Only they're not. They are always sincere. They mean everything they say. There is no sales job here.

Ronald McDonald is pure love. He loves you. He wants you to love him. Why would you deny him your love?

Because it hurts you. It hurts to feel. It's easier to sneer and say, "I'm an adult, goddamn it. And I don't need you, or your love, or your burgers. Screw you, Ronald McDonald."

And you know what? He still loves you. Ronald will always love you no matter how you feel, no matter what you say.

You can always go back to him. He will always take you back. Ronald will take you in his arms and hold you while you sob. And you'll moan, saying, "I'm sorry, Ronald. I'm sorry."

Ronald McDonald is Jesus Christ. He's the CEO of General Motors. He's your President, your Prime Minister. They all want your love, respect, and trust.

You can doubt them, and hurt yourself forever, if you like. But they'll always take you back. You just have to open your heart, hug them to you. They'll always take you back. Always.

Amen.

* * *

Being suspicious of everything is the modern day equivalent of being an intellectual -- and involves none of the hard thinking. It's a way of appearing to know what you're talking about, without actually having a clue.

"Oh man, you trust that corporation? You are so goddamn naive. I've read a bunch of books and seen a bunch of movies, and I know better. All corporations are evil."

That's what the cynic says. And he says it a lot. "You can't trust corporations."

Same with any government.

Same with all special interest groups.

Same with any media source.

Same with "scientists" and their research -- "The H1N1? Oh my god, come on!"

Same with "the right" or "the left" or "libertarians" or "communists" or "anarchists" -- whatever political stripe offends you.

Same with whoever else you want to look at with one raised eyebrow while pretending to have some profound insight -- one that everyone else somehow missed out on.

It so easy to destroy a reputation. "You trust THEM? How embarrassing for you."

Then the cynic collects stories proving their position is correct -- a simple task, if the sin of one particular corporation can be held up as proof that all corporations are sinful. The stories and atrocities can then be rattled off, one after the other, burying any "naive" opponent under the weight of cheerful despair.

The problem is that if you're suspicious of ALL groups, who can you rely on? Yourself, maybe. A few like-minded friends. Your own direct experience of reality can, presumably, be trusted. Your own pet theories.

Clearly fearing all those groups isolates you, makes you weak. You may as well be a caveman living in the woods, terrified of anything that moves, calling it a demon. It's superstition wearing the mask of reason, loathing for everything disguised as rational thought.

Let me be clear: I'm not apologizing for any of these groups. I'm not saying you should blindly trust the government or Pepsi. Trust needs to be earned. What has me irked is the wide-spread assumption that all organizations are evil -- every single one -- with zero evidence. It's passed off as a well-informed position based on extensive reading and thought. But really, being cynical doesn't require any effort at all.

Here, try on the philosophy for yourself. Repeat after me:

"Everything sucks!"

Simple enough?

But why not withhold judgement, until you have a good reason to be suspicious? There's a difference between being wary, and claiming everyone is out to get you. It's rushing to fear and suspicion that makes me so furious.

ENRON sucks, sure. We've got proof, there. When you have proof, it's not paranoia.

"Ah, Nik, hold on. Let me interrupt you. I'm not paranoid -- I've got facts. I have thousands of documented cases of corporate greed and corruption leading to all sorts of terrible disasters."

You know what? I've got thousands of documented cases of serial killers. Do you assume every person you meet secretly fantasizes of chopping you to pieces and eating your spleen? I hope not.

One vampiric ENRON does not mean all corporations are evil, the same way one Jeffrey Dahmer doesn't make all lonely homosexual men cannibals.

Sure, you shouldn't give strangers the keys to your house without getting to know them better. They might not be a Dahmer, but they might swipe your stereo. That level of suspicion makes sense. Wariness.

But don't scream and run every time you see someone in a hockey mask -- particularly if you're at a hockey game.

All of them -- corporations, governments, special interest groups, scientific groups, etc. -- without exception, have at least some good intentions. Sure, they might have an agenda. And you don't? They want your business, your respect, your allegiance, your understanding, your love. Sometimes, in their desperate effort to get you on their side, they'll mess up. But they need you. In their own way, they're trying to serve you.

And, dare I say it? They even love you.

* * *

Ronald McDonald sells hamburgers for your sins. His flesh is the flesh of god. Even the veggie burgers.

And yet you still scream:

"The flu shot is Hitler! All government leads to Auschwitz! Corporations are raping us in the anus! The media is feeding us our own feces! Scientists are building aryan Frankenstein monsters in their labs! It's all Satanic, Nazi garbage! Doom! DOOM!"

And then there's your love for Ronald. It's there. And if you look at it, you begin to understand that your turning away, your pretend hatred, is simply avoiding what is real. Cynicism is a perversion of love. It's a fear of getting hurt. You love Ronald McDonald.

You cry out in pain, "I want to eat that hamburger, but what if it destroys an acre of rain forest? Damn you, Ronald!"

Ronald is not perfect. Neither are you. Have some faith. Ask him to change. Realize that your insisting upon a 99 cent hamburger comes with hidden expenses -- like the destruction of the entire planet. Is that Ronald's fault? Is it your fault?

Embrace Ronald. Kiss him on the cheek. Tell him you're sorry. Let him cook you a hamburger. Eat it. Don't eat with him every day. You don't want to spoil him. Just visit once in a while.

And tell him that you love him.

My Email to ID Software

ID Software people,

Wow. Your website is awful. Has anyone ever told you that?

I just played the demo for Doom 3 for the MAC. (Yeah, I'm years behind everyone else.) It was a great game. I want to buy it. You know, I want to GIVE YOU MONEY and DOWNLOAD a copy of the game. How difficult could that possibly be?

Pretty goddamn difficult, it turns out. Your website doesn't even have an area where I can buy the Mac version of the game and have it mailed to me, let alone download a version of the game. And Doom 3 has been out for years now. Don't you want my money? I have money! I want to give it to you! And I can't!

Do you see how this is a bad business model?

On some pages, when I click "buy now" (to buy a PC game I don't want) I get the following error message:

PHP Notice: Undefined index: rtcw in E:\web\id\games\wolfenstein\rtcw\c-buy.php on line 7

Whoops. Even the games you are selling, which are of no use to me, can't be purchased.

How difficult could it possibly be? What other business model are you working under? Have all the games you've ever made, in PC and in Mac format, available for download, where people can pay you, using Visa or Mastercard or maybe Paypal. What other option is there? This is such a BASIC idea, I can't figure out how you missed it. This is something all the small businesses are doing. I thought pros like you would be on board.

Yes, people can buy your games in stores. But more and more people want to buy things through their computer. Your online store shouldn't be a lazy afterthought. If you're going to do it, do it right.

Why are you selling T-shirts? No one is thinking, "I wonder if they sell Doom t-shirts at the ID website? I'm going to head over there right now." Stick to what you know.

Quite frankly, it's websites like yours that lead to hacking. Hackers can deliver the product to me better than you can. If I wasn't a moral person, I'd be playing Doom 3 right now, instead of emailing you. Seriously -- when I typed "doom 3 Mac" into google, the first option on the google suggestion list was "Doom 3 Mac torrent".

Whether you like it or not, your business competes with the delivery model of pirates. Right now, their service is better than yours. What are you going to do about it?

You might be wondering why I am sending this email to "jobs@idsoftware.com". It's because I cannot find a button anywhere on your site marked "contact us". I went through every single screen, before giving up. This "jobs" email address was tucked into your "we're hiring" section, and was the only email address I could find. I hope to god you're going to hire someone to make your website worth visiting.

You may be wondering, why do you have me as a (potential) customer in the first place? Because I've been trying to play first person shooters on my iPhone, and it's ridiculous. They're too small. I was playing Duke Nukem on that tiny screen, and my brain said, "Stop. This is not an immersive first person shooter experience. Go look for something to play on your computer."

And I remembered Doom from my 20s. I'm almost 40. I'd pretty much given up on video games, when my iPhone rekindled my interest.

Your website doused the spark with a bucket of water. If there is a way to make your website any less useful, I don't know how to do it.

Despite the tone I'm taking, I hope these comments prove useful, and light a fire under someone, somewhere. To sum up my thought:

YOU COULD BE MAKING MORE MONEY IF YOUR WEBSITE WASN'T SO AWFUL.

Sincerely,

Nikolaus Maack
[my phone number and mailing address deleted]

The Flu Shot That Ate Your Brain

There's mercury in the H1N1 flu shot, John Akpata said on his wall on Facebook. Mercury causes brain damage. There's no way he's getting the shot.

Goading him a little, I asked how he felt about fluoride in the drinking water. I knew what his answer would be, as I'd heard John rant about fluoride before. It was my hope he would start ranting about fluoridated water, and scare off people who might take him seriously about flu shots.

John didn't disappoint me.

Fluoride, John wrote, weakens your bones and makes your hair fall out. Toothpaste has warnings on the tube to contact poison control centres if you swallow the stuff. The KGB and Israel used fluoride against their enemies.

John told me to do a Google search on dentists against fluoride. Do a search on YouTube for fluoride.

Of course, if you do a Google search for "UFOs disguised as clouds", you'll find many videos and websites. Just saying.

As he talked about mercury and fluoride, John implied (but never stated outright) that there's some great big government conspiracy at work.

"If I was a first nations person, I would not accept free blankets from Geoffrey Amherst. If I was Jewish, I would not accept a tattoo from Goebbles. I would not accept a cigarette from the Marlborough man, nor a 40 oz from Jack Daniels himself, let alone a flu shot with mercury in it, that medical professionals are losing their jobs for refusing to take."

Equating the flu shot with Nazi tattoos and gifts of diseased blankets seemed to imply there's a conspiracy going on. Which sounds a little insane.

Okay, let's be honest -- it sounds VERY insane.

As I criticized John's position, he grew irritated. He said I was attacking him.

I replied that I wasn't attacking him, just questioning his beliefs.

And really, that's all there was to it. I respect John Akpata as a poet, a public speaker, a debater, and a free spirit. But when it comes to chemistry and health, I'm going to listen to the Canadian Dental Association and the Canadian Medical Association. I value their expertise a little more than John's. They do real research. John surfs Google.

Lately I find myself astounded at people's lack of faith in public institutions. Yes, there are examples of corruption and deceit and profiteering out there. On the whole, though, North American institutions have been fairly reliable. If the powers-that-be say a flu shot is safe and a good idea, they're probably right.

(Several people reading this, including John Akpata, just yelled at their monitors: "Oh my God, Nik, how can you be so naive?!")

Unfortunately for John, I have entered a new phase of my life. Once upon a time, a person would say something way "out there", and I would think:

"Well, could be. Who am I to question their beliefs? It's not like I know any better. Let's see where they go with this. Keep an open mind. Be polite."

Nowadays, my tolerance for "out there" is much lower. If someone says something that strikes me as crazy, I feel compelled to politely speak my mind.

That's why, when John told his friends on Facebook that the flu shot is hitleresque, I felt the need to speak for the other side of the debate.

In our discussion, John summed up what motivates his worldview: "It is not fear, Nik - it is dedication to knowledge."

But what kind of knowledge, exactly? John's study of these subjects seems to ignore the experts, seeking out the fringes. Why listen to crackpots and conspiracy theorists, and not the people who have done years and years of research?

David Suzuki sums it all up nicely. When he was asked if he was getting the flu shot, he replied:

"Yes. I'm just astounded at people. Do they think doctors, scientists and government are out to poison them or something?"

That appears to be exactly what some people are saying.