Creative Rage 3: An Imaginary Conversation

A: I don’t really have any problems. Sure, my childhood sort of sucked, but other people had it worse. I grew up in a house. I had enough food. Why should I think about my pain? Why look at it? Why waste time on it? Instead, I can help people who have it worse, like the homeless.

B: So what you're basically saying is -- why should you wipe your own ass, when the streets are so dirty?

A: What? No, I’m not saying that. What are you talking about?

B: You want to know why you should deal with your past, with your pain? You have personal problems and you know it. You need to deal with them – for the exact same reason you have to wipe your own ass. No one will wipe it for you. It's your pain. It’s your asshole. Nobody wants to deal with your shit. You have to deal with it. You're saying you don't have to clean up your mess, because there are bigger messes out there. So it's okay if you walk around smelling like shit, because 30 miles from here there's a landfill heaped with dirty diapers and rotting fish heads?

A: I don’t smell like shit. I deal with my crap, in my way. I'm saying, I don't have a lot of emotional pain, compared to other people. There is nothing to deal with. My problems are small potatoes.

B: Everybody says that. It’s a way of avoiding their problems.

I met a woman once, and she was telling me a bit about herself. She worked at a store that sold underwear and she was studying at Concordia.

“I guess I’m a bit boring,” she said. “But I guess everyone finds themselves boring.”

And I blurted out, “Not me. I find myself endlessly fascinating. I can’t wait to see what I do next.”

A: Yeah, that sounds like you – you’re a self-centred egomaniac.

B: You’re missing the point. If you find yourself boring, you’re doing something wrong. You should find yourself fascinating. Your problems, your stories, everything about your life is yours. You should find yourself entertaining. If you think you’re boring, small, not worth looking at, then you’re not dealing with you. You’re belittling yourself and who you are. In effect, what you’re saying is, “I’m too boring and small to take seriously.”

A: Sounds like you think I should spend all day wiping my own ass.

B: Well, not all day. No. You need some balance between wiping your ass, and wiping the asses of other people.

A: Helping the homeless and fighting for social justice is important. That’s what I do to help myself. I make the world a better place. I improve my lot by making other people’s lives better. Engaging other people pulls me out of my shell.

B: If you spend your whole life helping others, thinking of others, and you never help yourself, you’ve failed. You’re using other people to avoid dealing with your own problems.

A: I just don’t have time for all that navel-gazing bullshit.

B: Your problems are small, boring. You don’t have time to deal with your problems. How many other excuses do you have? Why are you so mean to yourself? You would help another person in your situation. You do have problems, right? Why not help yourself then? Are you going to spend your whole life, fighting for other people, and never fight for yourself? How can you effectively fight for others, if you can’t fight for yourself?

A: You’re just pushing for people to be selfish and self-centred. It’s disgusting.

B: Am I being selfish? If I deal with my own problems, and make myself a better person, doesn’t that improve everyone’s lives? If you don’t deal with your problems, other people will have to carry your weight. They’ll have to clean up your mess, wipe your ass. When you don’t deal with your own problems, you’re the one that’s being selfish.

A: That’s typical conservative drivel. Be self reliant. Let’s not have a government at all. It’s libertarian nonsense.

B: And I thought you were an anarchist! Aren’t “self reliance” and “no government” exactly what you’re striving for? I know, I know – you’re going to replace government with some kind of collective, not individuals. Hence the difference between libertarians and anarchists.

A: You don’t get any political stuff at all. You’re a fucking idiot.

B: Fine. I never studied political science. But don’t all political parties dream of a world with a social safety net that no one ever needs to use? Isn’t that what the people of all political stripes want?

A: Whatever. I still think you’re being a libertarian, conservative asshole.

B: But self-reliance can have a socialist aspect to it. I heard a Green Party speaker once. He argued that smokers are a drain on the Canadian health care system. Some guy smokes for 20 years, he gets lung cancer, and he expects all of us to pay his medical bills. Why should we? He knew smoking causes cancer. He smoked for years. He should have quit smoking and taken responsibility for his problems, saving us the expense of dealing with his medical problems.

When I heard that, being a non-smoker, I laughed. And I said to myself: “That’s exactly right. Goddamn smokers are assholes. Hang em out to dry.”

And then the speaker went on to say, “Same thing with people who are overweight. They have heart attacks, they get diabetes, they have all kinds of preventable medical problems, if only they would lose weight.”

And I stopped laughing. Because I’m overweight. It’s my problem, and I really don’t want to deal with it.

Or at least, I didn’t want to. But I’ve been dealing with my problems lately. I’ve been looking at my life, trying to improve, getting my act together. You know – what you’d call “being selfish” or “navel gazing”.

Part of that process has involved changing the way I eat. I’m counting calories. And since April 17th, I’ve lost 25 pounds. My goal is to lose 80 pounds by December.

Mind you, I didn’t start losing weight for the betterment of humanity. I was having problems with constipation, and my doctor told me to lose weight. Even then, I didn’t change. I ate more fibre now and then. That helped. But the constipation kept coming back.

Finally, I snapped. I’d had enough of the inconvenience and pain. I grabbed my constipation by the balls and I said, “Look, motherfucker. I’m going to lose weight. I’m going to deal with my problems. So fuck off.”

A: So you’re on a diet -- again. Big fucking deal.

B: It’s not a diet. I’ve changed the way I eat and the way I think about food. I keep a food log online, writing down everything I eat. That makes eating chips or cookies or other crap impossible – because I don’t want to have to write it down. When you start to look at the calories in some foods, it’s disturbing. I used to go to Starbucks and have two oat fudge brownies and a large latte. Now I know better – that little snack is over 1,000 calories.

I’m working out on my elliptical trainer for half an hour almost every morning. I’m walking more. I’m improving myself. I’m wiping my own ass.

A: That’s great, I guess. But it’s still selfish. It has nothing to do with anyone but you.

B: If I’m healthy, my chances of needing heart surgery in my 60s is lessened. People won’t have to carry my load. If getting in to shape is selfish, it’s exactly the sort of selfishness we should promote in people. Why do you think governments have nutrition and anti-smoking programs? If people look after themselves, if they stand on their own two feet, if they’re healthy, and they quit smoking too much, and drinking too much – the world is a better place, and the health care system can focus on other issues. If I deal with my problems and take care of myself, you don’t have to. No one else has to carry my weight.

A: Not everyone is lucky enough to be able to do that. Some people need our help.

B: Of course! And you are one of those people. You’re so eager to be generous with other people, and you’re so stingy with yourself. When you think about your life and your problems, ask yourself, “What would I do to help someone else with my problems?” And then do that thing for yourself. You’re just as worthy of help as anyone else, right?

A: You don’t understand. Your emphasis on helping yourself, taking care of yourself, and positive selfishness – that’s exactly the sort of crap conservative thinkers and capitalists use to perpetuate the slavery of the poor. Everything wrong with the world right now is caused by selfishness. Thinking only about yourself means people don’t band together and fight for social change and social justice. Selfish people think about their cars, their electronic gadgets, their own comfort. They never think about the consequences of their choices.

B: You think so? I think if people genuinely looked at themselves and their own self-interests, they’d be more likely to deal with the real word instead of consumer trappings. All of that STUFF is a distraction from the real work. Fixing yourself, making yourself better, doesn’t necessarily involve BUYING stuff. And look, I’m not telling you to ONLY think of yourself. You need to strike a balance between yourself and the rest of the world.

I think if we get our own shit together, we can then do a better job dealing with the rest of the world. When we get stronger and saner, we becoming a better force for change.

A: I still think I can improve myself by helping other people. Going out, participating in political events, protests, political actions – that’s how I’m improving myself. Don’t you get that?

B: I’m sure that helps you, a little. And I’m not telling you to stop doing any of that. But, just like with consumerism, you’re using it as a distraction. A lot of people are uncomfortable with who they are, their own feelings, their own problems. You’re focusing on the problems of other people to escape your own problems. I did that for years, worrying about other people and neglecting myself. You need to give yourself as much attention and care as you seem to give the homeless.

A: You don’t get it. You don’t understand anything. And you didn’t used to be like this. You’ve really changed.

B: For the better.

A: I think you’ve changed for the worse.

B: That’s fine. You’re allowed to think whatever you want, and do whatever you want. No matter what I say.

Honestly, I don’t know why I keep trying to share my new thinking with you. I guess, in part, it’s because I feel we have common problems. And when I talk about what I’m going through, it helps me understand myself better.

You get angry and swear at me and call me an “Ayn Rand lover”. That makes me laugh. But it also keeps me questioning, thinking, and testing my ideas. The friction is useful.

A: Well, I guess that’s good, as long as you’re still thinking. You need to question these new ideas of yours. Your new found interest in selfishness really disgusts and offends me. It’s boring. I think you’re going the wrong way.

B: And I think you’re going the wrong way. But hey, we can both go whatever way we choose, right? I just worry you’re going to wake up a few years from now, and realize you don’t know who you are, or what you want. You won’t have a career, you won’t have a lover, you won’t have a stable home – all because you spent so much time thinking about other people, and never about yourself. I genuinely worry you will find out you’ve become a vacuum, a void, a hole in space where a person used to be.

A: That’s not going to happen. That’s crazy. I don’t even know why you’d think that.

B: It happened to me. I woke up one day and realized I wasn’t there. I was hanging out with people who couldn't hear me, who wouldn't let me speak. But I’m fixing that. I am in the room now, demanding space.

A: Well, it’s not going to happen to me, this void stuff you're talking about. I don’t need your advice. I can take care of myself.

B: That’s the whole point, isn’t it? I’m not sure you are taking care of yourself. But I hope you’re right. I hope you never feel that way. Waking up to your own emptiness isn't much fun.

A: Sounds like a midlife crisis to me. Typical bourgeois, first world problems.

B: Maybe. But if it's my problem, I'm going to deal with it.