Mickey Jesus and the Turd of Turin

In Russia, you can’t make fun of the Church or Jesus Christ. Recently, some art curators put on a show called “Forbidden Art”. It featured Jesus with the face of Mickey Mouse, as well as the suggestion that McDonald’s is the body of Christ. They also compared Christ and Lenin.

The curators were fined 200,000 roubles and 150,000 roubles for inciting religious hatred. They got off easy. Some people of faith were calling for the men to be thrown in jail. Apparently they could have each been sentenced to three years.

Of course, all right thinking people know the curators are entirely in the wrong. Making fun of religion is a terrible thing. It’s important that we respect people with religious beliefs – no matter how stupid, or idiotic, or just plain wrong those beliefs might be.

I consider myself a Christian. Mind you, I’m not talking about the church of today. I’m talking about the old, original Christian faith – the one that existed before the Catholic Church came along and ruined everything.

I’ll explain…

The perfect poop comes out in one long effortless flow. When you go to wipe, there is nothing on the paper. It’s divine. It’s a miracle.

The dumps of Jesus Christ were always like this. He could wipe his butt, then take that toilet paper and use it as a napkin. That’s how clean the paper was. Zero e-coli. That’s the true power of Christ, friends.

I had one of these poops today. (Praise God!) My fantastic feces was an answer to a prayer. I swear my turd had a little halo and was playing a tiny harp.

Or maybe it was some undigested strands of celery. I can’t be certain, but I have faith. (Can I get an amen?)

I was reluctant to flush. I wanted to drag friends, family, and coworkers into the bathroom and show them my filth ribbon. We could all bask in this religious experience, maybe say a prayer or two. (Can I get a Hallelujah?)

Oh sure, I could have photographed my chocolate hot dog and emailed out pictures. But to really appreciate the beauty, you’d have to witness it in person. No email could present you with the sense of rightness and perfection in the room. No photo could capture the scent of cinnamon hanging in the air.

When I did flush, that lump of digested love didn’t go down the drain – it floated up to heaven in a beam of white light. Angels sang. I’m not ashamed to admit, I shed a few tears. (Praise Jesus.)

Few people know this, but the bible used to be a manual for healthy digestion. The Catholic church came along and ruined everything. The Pope knows all about it. His very name – “The Pope” – says it all. In the old days, when things made sense, he was called “The Poop”.

Jesus famously said, “The meek shall inherit the earth.”

What people don’t know is that those words are a metaphor for how to property take a crap. Don’t bear down or force out your dumps. Simply wait, patient and “meek”, as your bowels do the work for you. The “earth” is, of course, slang for feces. You shall “inherit the earth” – take a crap – much more quickly, if you’re meek about it.

It makes perfect sense, doesn’t it?

Communion booths used to be toilet stalls. It’s common knowledge. Ask any historian. You’d sit there on your throne, with a priest right next to you. He would talk softly, encouraging you to release your sacred fecal sausage in the proper, gentle, healthy way.

Jesus said: “A rich man getting into heaven is as likely as a camel walking through the eye of a needle – and your anus will feel the same way if you don’t eat enough fruit.”

The church removed the second half of the quote.

But why? Why would the church hide these references to having a healthy colon?

It’s simple. Communion wafers have almost zero fibre in them. Instead of using whole grain flour, the priests cut corners. They made these flat, lifeless wafers that have zero nutritional value.

“How can we justify this contradiction?” the priests asked themselves. “On the one hand, we have a holy book full of healthy digestion tips. On the other hand, we have these mass produced, white bread, colon-clogging wafers that are the nutritional equivalent of Twinkies.”

So they cut a few lines out of the bible. You know, to cover their asses.

That’s why priests always look so constipated – because they’re constipated. They’ve lost touch with the old ways. As have we all. We’re all, if you’ll pardon the expression, full of shit.

We need to get back in touch with religion. We need to get back to our roots. So long as Russian intellectuals and artists are permitted to mock the church, we’re never going to establish Christ in the world again. We’ve created a godless world, and we have no one to blame but ourselves.

The next time someone pokes fun at Jesus Christ, lock them in jail and throw away the key. That’s what I say. No exceptions, no excuses.

(Can I get a laxative? Please?)