Boredman

“What adventures are we going to have today, Boredman?”

“Well, Ennui Boy, we’re probably not going to do much. Basically, I thought maybe we’d just stay home and sit around. Maybe there’s something good on TV. I don’t know. I have some old DVDs I’ve only watched a few times. What do you say?”

“But… Boredman! We did that yesterday?”

“So? What’s your point?”

“Isn’t that… kind of… boring?”

“Ennui Boy, you’re just a kid. You don’t understand. Life is boring. It’s a tedious, horrible, repetitive waste. The sooner you figure that out, the sooner you can give up on your dreams. Life is all about waiting to die. And it’s a long wait, believe me. Now sit down on the couch. I’ll just pop this DVD into the player, and…”

“No! No, Boredman! We’re super heroes! We should be out there fighting crime!”

“Crime stats are down, Ennui Boy. You see that phone over there?”

“The black one?”

“No, next to the black one. The red one.”

“Where?”

“It’s glowing, Ennui Boy. See it?”

“Oh yeah. I see it now.”

“That’s my direct line to the commissioner’s office. He hasn’t called me in six months. I’m afraid Mudville is pretty much crime free. So there’s nothing for us to do. We’ll just have to sit here and…”

RING! RING!

“Oh my god, Boredman! The phone! The red phone! It’s ringing!”

“I can hear it, Ennui Boy. I’m not deaf. Hello? Yes? Who? … No, I’m sorry. No, you have the wrong number.”

Click!

“Wrong number, Boredman?”

“That’s right, Ennui Boy. Just another disappointment in a long series of disappointments.”

“Aw, nuts!”

“Shall I start the movie now?”

“I guess, Boredman. Is there anything to eat?”

“I have some saltine crackers around here some place. Here they are.”

“Thanks.”

Crunch, crunch, crunch.

“Gee, Boredman, these crackers are kind of…”

“Kind of what, Ennui Boy?”

“Never mind.”

***

Will Boredman and Ennui Boy ever get off the couch? Will they stop watching movies? Is there anything else to eat besides saltine crackers?

Find out! Tune in next week for another unexciting episode of BOREDMAN.

***

THEME SONG

Boredman sits on a hill of paper
Attacking himself with a rusty stapler.
Boredman cannot feel the pain.
They have removed Boredman’s brain.

Boredman experiences no pleasure.
Boredman eats rats and dung.
Boredom so deep it can’t be measured.
Boredom is the opposite of fun.

They pay me to be Boredman.
They pay me to be bored.
They pay me to be Boredman.
They pay me to be bored.

Freud Not

My friend hates Freud and all things Oedipal
Though his mother and wife seem nearly identical.
“A mere coincidence!” he’ll have you know,
As he staggers his father with a casual blow.
While I’d normally trust any good friend of mine,
I’ve never met wife and mother at the same time.